microscope + dae's brain = scary.

I started trying to write this shit yesterday but my computer decided to reboot itself automatically with those pesky microsoft updates. Yet another of many, many reasons why I prefer a Mac over PC. Yet I still use this wretched machine because it's easier and cheaper to fix than the G4 tower sitting in our living room corner under the papasan chair.

Anyway, Shaun's been doing a great job maintaining contact with all of you in the last several weeks. Unfortunately I'd sort of taken on the role of the student at the back of the class feigning my attention as I stared out the window in deep reflection over what the past 12 years has brought in the scheme of Era Nocturna's progress. It hasn't been easy running a band on my own. In some ways I've felt like the single parent trying to raise her kid without any help for most of the project's history. I've watched with mixed emotions as the project gained attention and then the attention simply stopped. With that, I too stopped. I'm no longer the sort of person who is willing to speak if no one is listening or if I have nothing meaningful to share. I used to be like that, a broadcaster that would simply talk to the walls if that was what was there for me to talk to, but I became uncomfortable with that. What person wants to listen to incessant rambling that has no value? I don't and I'm sure others didn't want to either. So, I did as I was wordlessly told and I shut my mouth, I stopped typing, and I went on to quietly form the band that you have before you now.

Truth be told I had no expectations that this would succeed on any level. I've never been one to finish what I start because the moment something gets too hard I don't want to play anymore. I tend to take my ball and go home. Our initial member, our former bassist, ultimately was the first to plant the idea into my head that it'd be good to try this out. That's pretty much where her importance in the band's history ends and if she did one good thing for me, that was pretty much it. Do I sound bitter? Maybe just a little for some of the other unrelated things that happened between us but that's not your business. With Era Nocturna I knew I essentially had to shit or get off the pot. This project had been on a road to nowhere from the day it had begun. I was making music and releasing it but there was no direction. Bringing Shaun in the mix changed the game forever and that was really the best thing I could've done for us all because he's a force of nature when it comes to getting shit done and, truth be said, he scares me at times. I'm not afraid OF him, just of disappointing him. He is an honorable person who will do what he says he's going to do. Growing up without that influence in my life made me a slacker with absolutely no follow through and I didn't give a fuck if I disappointed people so long as I was comfortable. But that changed when this band got together. I was far outside of my comfort zone and it wasn't about me anymore. If I said we were going to perform, then, damn it, we were going to have to perform. At first I hated it, I won't lie. I fucking struggled right from the start. I was even ready to bail on the whole thing. Eventually I began to like it and I stopped fighting it. This, the band, became a refuge and I began to enjoy the company of my bandmates instead of finding my obligation to them annoying. Simply, I stopped being a spoiled brat.

My stage fright had a lot to do with why I wouldn't step up to the plate before. Want to know a secret? I think I'm a shitty singer. I really do. Should I even admit that openly to ANYONE outside the band? No. Sharks smell blood in the water and almost every working musician I've ever known is a shark. They're merciless and would probably shoot their own best friend for a chance at the big time so if they see a weakling out there in their pool, they're going to attack. I learned some hard lessons in the late 90s thanks to a band of musicians fronted by one of such people. He was a snake and a shark. (Maybe that makes him a shake?) It shaped a lot of how I feel about music and the people who make it. Thankfully I've met SOME nice musicians and my enmity toward them is calming itself after 10 years of hatred and avoidance. We can thank Shaun, Dorian, Ereka, and Joanna for that.

What I have going for me is that we're not a regurgitation of every other act out there in this scene. I made this music sound like what I wanted it to sound like regardless of whether anyone liked it or not. I wasn't making it for any of you out there. Just for me. I needed to bleed, somehow. So there's that and the fact that my members are extremely talented musicians who would blow a lot of our competition out of the water if given the chance. That is why I hired them and why I have nothing but the utmost confidence in our combined abilities. At this point I don't care what I sound like, just knowing that I'm doing my best is enough for me.

Next week will be our first show ever. It is ultimately a test to see how well we translate to the stage outside the controlled environment of the rehearsal space. We don't get any do-overs this time. If the timing is off, it's off and we need to recover. If I forget the words, too fucking bad, I get to make something up. If ANYTHING goes wrong, then it goes wrong and we (and you) will just have to live with it. I keep this thought going in my head, "No one cares. Likely, no one will know. And if they think they can do better then they're welcome to submit an application to join the band as a producer and make good on that." Christ, I treat everything like it's a battle in some great war. I don't take prisoners and I don't lose. I just don't give a fuck and that's how I win in the end. Is this a good thing? Maybe. We'll see.

A few days ago I wrote a complaint on my personal blog about how our fans are apathetic and unsupportive. The band has nothing to do with that. It's my own feeling on the matter. After thinking about that I think it's somewhat unfair of me to say such a thing because it's my own fault that people aren't more active in our support because *I'm* not active and I have done nothing but give out the vibe that I don't care. So if I don't, why should any of you? Seems fair to me. So from now on I'll make a better effort to be more active on the blog and elsewhere. Regardless of whether any of you interact with us, I'm going to keep doing what I'm doing. One thing of that other blog I wrote remains true. I said that I'm doing this for myself, no one else. It's just the way it works with me. I don't aim to please people because I've found that if I try to do that, it translates to desperation and I have little to no respect for desperate people. However, just because that is the case, it doesn't mean that I can't be less of a bitch about it and show more interest in what happens. So that's that.

Feel free to come say hi to me and the rest of the band at the show. My drink is a rufie-free malibu and cranberry if you're buying. Pictures will be encouraged but just don't expect me to smile. ;) See you all later.

- Dae